I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
