Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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