dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
