I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
