Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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