Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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