I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
