You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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