i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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