i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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