if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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