Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
