I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
