I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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