I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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