I think I won the penis lottery.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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