I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
