i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
