First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
