Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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