I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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