I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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