the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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