I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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