Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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