You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
