There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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