Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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