The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
