Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
