Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
