So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
