I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
