How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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