I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
