On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
