Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am midnight drunk by noon
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Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
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I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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