a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
