Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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