i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
