My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
