I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
