why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
