I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
