have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize