I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
