my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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