do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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