I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
