I met the friendliest cop last night
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
