why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I need moral support for this bender
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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