maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
