u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
