Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
