If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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