On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
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