dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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