The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
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I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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