I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
