Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
