bring money and cleavage
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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