I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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