So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
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we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
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He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?