All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won